The boy I loved. The boy I tried to forget. Then HIV.
I feel extremely self-conscious about writing about my love life because I usually judge other people negatively for writing about their love stories. Love is such a personal experience and I feel like no one else can understand your love except yourself. That’s why I see no point in talking about it with others. They won’t understand and it will just bore them.
Anyways, I hope this blog post doesn’t bore you.
The first boy I fell in love with has a lot to do with where I am in my life now. It’s already been 4 years and I still think about him. I don’t think about him as much as I used to but I think about him at least once a day.
I met him at college. The first time I saw him, I couldn’t stop staring at him. I was super attracted to him. It took me about 5 months to finally gather the courage to ask him out. He gladly accepted my date request. We went on our first date and I immediately fell in love with him. He changed me that day.
Before I met him, I never thought about getting married or having a family of my own. He made me realize that sex is so much better when your doing it with someone you love. He inspired me in so many ways.
We spent the next 10 days enjoying each other’s company. It was the best 10 days I ever shared with anyone in my life. Afterwards, I had to leave for a while. I said goodbye to him, hoping that when I come back he would still remember the amazing 10 days we had together.
After a couple of years, I came back. He was with someone else. I was crushed. I wanted him back so much but I could tell that his heart was with the other guy. And the other guy he was with was an amazing guy. I didn’t want to mess with what they had. The best thing I could do was to just let go and wish him the best.
I did wish him the best but it was so damn hard to let go. I still haven’t let go of him. After a year of constantly thinking about him, I forced myself to get out and meet people in the hopes that I might meet another boy that would light a spark in my heart. I didn’t encounter any sparks. All that I encountered was a few flings here and there. I kept comparing the guys that I met with him. It’s no wonder that there weren’t any sparks. I didn’t open my heart fully to even allow that possibility to occur.
Then I found out I was HIV+. A lot of things came to mind at that moment. I thought that now I have no hope at all of getting back together with him. The barely visible hope that I had of getting back together with him had now disappeared.
I find it so pathetic that I still think of him. I wish I wouldn’t be thinking about him or comparing him to every other guy I meet.
I wish. I wish. I wish…